Places I have been to and not been to

The other day I had a drink with an old Navy friend and we got around to reminiscing about all the strange and exotic places we had visited, and the few places we’d still like to visit but haven’t managed to get there yet. As young sailors, we both met in Toxecated, a place most sailors know well and a place they make for as soon as they get ashore. There are even opportunities to be in Toxecated while at sea but it is not recommended as you can easily slip into the adjoining realm, in Coherent and in Capable, which leads on to a visit in Deep Do Do.

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Meeting a few friends in Toxicated.

One place I have always wanted to visit is Cahoots, I have never been in Cahoots, apparently you can’t go there alone, you have to have a dodgy partner, you can only be in Cahoots with someone else and then its considered only for devious or criminal purposes, but I’d still like to visit. I don’t think I’ve ever been in Cognito, apparently, no one recognises you there, so I wouldn’t know if I’d been or not and of course, there wouldn’t be anyone else who would have recognised me to say I was or wasn’t there.

I have been in Solvent a few times, not a pleasant place, everything is so expensive there, and you just can’t afford the prices. You get here by going in Debt, another bad place, where there are all sorts of inducements to spend money you don’t have and if you don’t get out you could die in Testate.

I would have liked to have spent some time in Dependents, lots Of Americans live there I’m told and they believe in free speech, freedom of association and religion, racial equality and in fact, all the things that the people of the rest of this world aspire to. However, I cancelled the trip I had planned because the inhabitants of that great country seem hell-bent on destroying everything they have spent two centuries achieving. Apparently, there is a second civil war raging between the Yankees and the Confederates, which is in Comprehensible to an outsider and, I suspect, to most Americans, my life is complicated enough without ending up there in the middle of a bitter war that no one really understands.

Over the years I have been in Dispute with a number of people and organisations, but have discovered through experience not to go there with big organisations such as the Inland Revenue Department or the Local Authority parking ticket people, as they are bad losers and too big to admit defeat, in fact, bitter experience has taught me that if your thinking of being in Dispute for any reason, go there on your own, don’t even allow your wife, to accompany you, especially don’t be in Dispute with your wife. Remember the old saying about “hell hath no furry, etc”

I’d like to go to Conclusion, but to get there apparently, you have to jump and at my age jumping is off the menu. I have been in Capable, quite a few times and as a matter of fact, I have discovered through practice, that alcohol assists the journey there considerably and can lead on to another nice, warm fuzzy place, where I spend quite a lot of my time these days, in Confusion. I have also been in Sane quite a few times, but there is no airport or railway station there, you have to be driven, anecdotal evidence suggests that wives, or in fact any woman, can be the best drivers and know which buttons to press to get you there the quickest.


I did once go on holiday in Dia but was a bit disappointed as the place was full of Indian people on their holidays and subsequently the only food in the restaurants was mutton vindaloo and Ruby Murry’s, which gave me the squitters and left me in the Kasey, in Communicado, for a week.

When I was young, and in the Navy I thought I was in Vincible, but it transpired, I wasn’t and have the scars to prove it and my old Navy boss said I was in Corrigible, but don’t think I ever knowingly went there, but I was occasionally in Deep Shite, a dark and dismal place, not a place you’d want to tarry in.

These days’ friends tell me I’m in Denial, which I have worked out is a river in Egypt, but I don’t think I’ve ever intentionally been there, although I have been in Continent a few times. The older I get the more I think about the Hereafter, I go into a room and think, “what the feck am I in here after.


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