Jokes

A lady emailed me to say she had enjoyed the stories in my blog, but felt they were getting too serious. So, to prove I have a sense of humour, and to break the seriousness cycle, I have decided to post some old but, to my mind, still funny JOKES. Hope they make you larf.

For readers in the USA: if you don’t find the humour in old English jokes to your taste, why not try the very Anglo-American humour in High noon in Olongapo where a Limey sailor joins a Yankee sheriff’s posse in Dodge City, Philippines.

Or try the humour of navy misadventures in The rocket men of Malta, and also Bullshit baffles brains, where, it transpired, there was a distinct lack of brains.

Or try the very subtle humour of the historic (alcoholic) voyage of the USS Constitution, in Sea life in Nelson’s time.

If humour is not your thing, then try the sadness and tragedy of the loss of the American ship Edmund Fitzgerald and her entire crew in Lake Superior in When lakes are like seas.

Also coming on the blog soon is the tragic story of the collision, at the entrance to New York Harbour, of the liner Andrea Doria and the SS Stockholm.


A doctor in England has opened a clinic to cure male pattern baldness, with some success. He transplants hair from men’s bottoms — bumfluff — to their bald heads, then he treats it with a growth hormone to make it flourish into a full head of hair. The programme was doing well until two of the first transplantees went out one night to celebrate with a few pints of lager and a curry. On their way back to the clinic late at night, both hair-pieces blew off.


An Australian farmer had a good sized lake on his property that he allowed local children to swim in for a couple of hours after school. One of the kids told him that after the young kids had left, some young women were going down to the lake and swimming with no clothes on, so the farmer decided to check it out. That evening he walked down to the lake to see what he could see, but the naked girls saw him coming and started abusing him and calling him an old perv’. The farmer carried on to the water’s edge, but the girls all retreated to the center of the lake. The farmer smiled and said “Girls, don’t worry about me, I own this lake and I’m just here to feed the crocodiles.”


The Police in Yorkshire have warned of a new drug craze by party goers who are injecting Ecstasy into their gums above the front teeth. A police spokesman said that the new craze has been categorised as “E-by-gum”.


The London Metropolitan Police are searching for a man they believe is responsible for a number of stabbing incidents. So far, ten people in different locations all over the greater London area have been stabbed with a knitting needle. A Police spokesman said “We think the man could be working to some sort of pattern.”


A man suspects his wife is inviting a man into their flat while he’s away on business, so he sets a trap for her. He tells her he’s going to be away on Friday night, but at 11 o’clock that night he goes home to his first-floor flat, convinced he’ll find his wife with her lover. But his wife appears to be asleep in bed on her own.

The husband is incensed and enraged because he knows there’s another man hiding somewhere in the flat. After a thorough search, he can’t find him. To relieve his frustration and anger, he picks up the fridge in the kitchen, struggles to the balcony and throws it down to the street below. However, his exertion is too much for him, he has a heart attack, dies, and goes to heaven.

When he reaches the pearly gates, there’s a bit of a queue. So he sits down next to a young man with a bent and broken pushbike. He says, “Looks like you’ve been in a road accident?” The guy says, “You’re not going to believe this, but I was just cycling home from the pictures when some bugger in our flats threw a fridge off a first-floor balcony and it landed on my head.”

Just then, a third man came to join the queue. He was naked and carrying a bunch of clothes. To change the subject from the man with the pushbike, the husband asked the new guy, “What happened to you? Did you drown in the bath?”

The new guy, who was looking a bit confused, shook his head and said, “You’re not going to believe this, but there I was, sitting quietly on my own, just minding my own business, in this fridge…”


“The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.”

— Professor Albert Einstein


A recent scientific medical report has stated that European men have sex with their wives or girlfriends between two and three times a week, while Japanese men have sex only once or twice a year. This came as a great shock to me because until I read the report for myself, I had no idea I was Japanese.


When flying from Nelson to Wellington recently, it was mentioned that both the pilot and co-pilot were women. My mate, John, reckoned he wouldn’t feel safe on the trip with two women in charge of the aircraft. Well really! How sexist, old-fashioned and bigoted is that? After all, neither of the girls would ever need to reverse the bloody plane.


In London, an ice cream vendor was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in hundreds and thousands and chocolate flakes. A Metropolitan Police spokesman said, “We think he topped himself.”


Yesterday Metropolitan Police arrested two youths. One was caught drinking battery acid and the other was found to have eaten fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


An elderly Jewish gentleman collapsed in the street outside our house. I went out and put my coat under his head to make him more comfortable. I asked him “Are you comfortable?” He shrugged his shoulders, raised his hands palms up and replied, “I make a living.”


In Ireland a two seater Cessna aircraft has nosedived into the Dublin Cemetery, killing all on board. The plane hit the ground so hard that when rescuers arrived only the tail was visible. Police had to call in heavy digging equipment to assist them in their body recovery. So far the Police have recovered 2,650 bodies, and a spokesman said the toll is expected to rise as digging continues throughout the night.


I met an old mate in town the other day and we stopped to chat about old times. Suddenly he asked, “You know Meech, I’ve known you for 30 years, but I can’t remember your real name. What is it?” I scratched my head and then asked him, “How soon do you need to know?”


The Metropolitan Police reported that earlier today they sent a constable to investigate the sound of gun shots fired at a private home in Paddington. The constable reported back on the radio that a wife had shot her husband for stepping on the wet floor she had just mopped. When asked if he had arrested the woman, the constable is said to have replied “Not yet, Sarge’. The floor’s still a bit damp.”


My psychiatrist has told me I’m suffering from advanced kleptomania. But don’t worry, I have it under control. Whenever I feel it coming on, I take something for it.


During the redecorating of the local swimming baths, three nuns from the nearby nunnery asked permission to take a swim on Saturday afternoon, when the workmen doing the redecorating had gone home.

Permission was given, so the nuns collected a key and hurried around to the baths, only to realise that none of them possessed any swimwear. Determined not to be thwarted, one of them suggested — as there was no one else around and they’d locked the door from inside — that they get undressed and have a swim in the nude.

This was agreed, but no sooner had they taken off their clothes then there was a knock at the door. When one of them enquired who it was, a male voice called back, “I’m the blind man, can I come in?” The nuns decided to let him in, as being blind he wouldn’t be able to see they were naked. 

He came in, looking rather surprised. After a rather long pause he asked, “Right girls, so where would you like me to fit these blinds?”


It has been reported that the North Korean Pole Vaulting Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vaulting Champion.


Saint Mark’s Parish Church Notices

Sunday morning sermon will be ‘Jesus walks on water’ and the evening sermon will be ‘Searching for Jesus’.

During last evening’s recital, Miss Lamont sang ‘I may not pass this way again’. Giving obvious pleasure to the whole congregation.

Wednesday evening, a bean supper will be served in the parish hall, followed by a musical evening.

The sermon this evening will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to the choir practice.

There will be a potluck supper on Tuesday, followed by prayer and medication.

Weight Watchers in the parish hall Tuesday evening, please use the large double doors at the front. Also the low self-esteem support group on the same night, please use the back door.

Come along to the church on Thursday at 7pm and listen to the choir practicing. If you want to, you can join in and sin.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the basement every Friday afternoon. Please come and take a look. You may see something you like and could take home, for a small donation.

In an effort to raise more money for the roof restoration, the Vicar has suggested a new slogan, “I have upped my pledge. Up yours.”


Two Irishmen stagger out of the pub  and start walking home through the churchyard. Before long, they get interested in the names and ages on the headstones.

“Look Paddy,” says Seamus. “Here is Tom P O’Brien. He was 72 when he died.”

Paddy says, “I can beat that. Here is Michael J Jones. He was 79 years old when he died.”  

Seamus, getting into the spirit of the competition, says, “Wow! Look at this one. Patrick L Shaughnessy was 91 when he died. Let’s see you beat that, Paddy.”

Paddy was quiet for a while, then shouted out, “I’ve found one that’s 145!”

Seamus asked, “What’s his name then?”

Paddy says, “Hang on, I’ll strike a match.” After a moment, Paddy says, “His name is Miles T O Dublin.”

“Okay,” says Seamus. “You win. I can’t find anyone older than him.”


I wonder if clouds look down on us and say, “Oh! Look at that one. He’s shaped just like an idiot”?


It has been reported that the newly formed Parachute Regiment of the Irish Army took their first jump earlier today and unfortunately missed the world. NASA and Jodrell Bank have been asked to keep a look out for them.


I was talking to the vicar the other day and he was very upset because someone had stolen his bike. For the sermon on Sunday he was going to preach the ten commandments and have a special word about ‘Thou shalt not steal’.

I saw him again on Sunday evening and asked him if anyone in the congregation looked guilty when he mentioned ‘Thou shalt not steal’.

He said, “No, but it didn’t matter because when I got to ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ I remembered where I’d left my bike.”


Seamus and Paddy are looking for work and see an advertisement which says, ‘Tree Fellers Wanted’. Seamus said, “That job would have done us. What a pity there’s only the two of us.”


Last night while we were out we got burgled. When I reported it to the Police I told them it was done by a gang of gay burglars. The policeman wanted to know how I could possibly know that the burglars were gay. I said, “Well they must have been. They tidied up, cleaned the toilet, and left a quiche in the oven.”

 

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